Blue Christmas: Dealing with grief during the holidays

In the Western Christian tradition, Blue Christmas is the longest night of the year. For some, that longest night is a metaphor for the entire holiday season, where stress leads to feelings of sadness and depression–the “Christmas blues.” For people dealing with the loss of a loved one, the Christmas blues can replace the joy they formerly felt during this special time of year.

This is how Donna, a retired registered nurse, describes her feelings toward Christmas this year. Donna’s husband passed away this summer following a long illness. As his primary caregiver for more than a decade, Donna knew his prognosis, but wasn’t prepared for how she felt after his death. She’s grappling with feelings of loss and loneliness.

It’s been 10 years since Sarah’s grandmother passed away, but her sense of loss is still sharp. She tries to keep up traditions her grandmother started when Sarah was a little girl, but it’s hard to maintain the façade and she frequently finds herself in tears as Christmas draws near.

Both Donna and Sarah are experiencing grief, the reaction to loss. Like snowflakes, no one experiences grief in the same way because each relationship is unique.

JB Goodier, MDiv, Spiritual Care coordinator and clinical chaplain at Washington Health, says this scenario plays out literally everywhere during the six-week holiday period. “When a loved one dies, everything changes,” he said. “The feeling of “home” is completely different. It’s difficult to navigate under the best of circumstances, and during the holidays there are so many reminders of joy, festivity and family.”

Redefining Self

People who have suffered loss are not only grieving the loss of their loved ones, but also a loss of self-identity, particularly if they’ve been a caregiver for their loved one. “Caregiving becomes your identity, and when your loved one dies, so does that identity,” Goodier explained. “Part of us died with our loved one and we need to reconcile ourselves to a new identity.”

Goodier has been leading a grief support group for the past five year at Washington Health. He shares his own experiences as he encourages group members to share theirs. It is important for those grieving a loss to reconcile themselves to a new “normal,” especially during times that might be very stressful, such as the holiday season.

One way to approach this is to change the old way of looking at things, beginning with familiar traditions. “Traditions will change,” Goodier said. “Acknowledge and accept that you may not be able to replicate Christmas or New Year’s the way it was and give yourself permission to bow out, make new traditions or even get away.” In fact, Goodier said, you can skip the holidays altogether if it’s too much, as long as you don’t isolate. The important thing is to be with someone with whom you feel safe.

How do you accomplish this when your focus is on taking care of others left behind, tying up loose ends, cleaning out a loved one’s possessions or any number of other tasks? It’s not easy, Goodier admitted. “Allow yourself to grieve,” he said, “then use the holidays to renew your own resources and spirits.”

Care for yourself first

People react to grief in different ways, but most typically exhibit a complex variety of symptoms. Physical symptoms can include fatigue, low energy, overeating or not eating, and tension or stress. Some run the gamut of emotions, while others suffer mentally or behaviorally. Many avoid situations that will arouse the grief response.

Many people, especially women, try to be strong for other family members so the holiday season isn’t sad. The whole family is then ignoring the elephant in the room –the loved one who is no longer there. Taking care of yourself first is a key component of getting through difficult and emotionally challenging situations. “When you’re dealing with loss and grief, you must be open and mindful to prioritize self-care above everything. You need to understand and be honest about your limits and make saying ‘no’ acceptable – set boundaries. You need to stand up to tradition, history and cultural expectations.”

For many, that will lead to creating new traditions and a new life without the lost loved one. “There will be a long period of re-creation and re-identification,” Goodier explained. “You will have to try new things and see how they work, then incorporate them into the new normal.”

But, Goodier noted, the new normal can and should include some of the old. You can include the lost loved one in family celebrations by making their favorite dish. Make an ornament for the tree and hang it with love. Share memories during family gatherings. “It may be very hard the first time you want to talk about the loved one who won’t be with you this year, but every time you do, you give yourself permission to remember the love outside of the grief,” Goodier said. “The idea is to remember and move on, not bury or forget the person who is gone. Everyone needs a safe place to express their emotions and be heard. We need to be able to touch in with our grief and also move away,” he continued. “Find a middle ground where you can acknowledge your loss and also remember the person who is no longer with you.”

For more information on Washington Health’s Grief Support Group for adults grieving the loss of a loved one, please call 510.818.6569. If you know someone who may be struggling with loss this holiday season, consider reaching out. The mental health crisis line, 988, is available seven days a week.